this is my heaven at night;

home    inquiry    scribbles    self    theme

I guess I’m a little darker then the light shining around me. One fucked up, walking contradiction of selfishness, stubbornness, and confusion.

Well, that’s me. At least I’m honest with myself.

I wish you could see how much I miss you. I wish you could feel it, the way I do right now. The way my bones ache a certain way and my heart beats slower, and my eyes are red and won’t stop flowing, and my nose keeps sniffing the crimson color glowing. I walked into my room and stared at my bed, at its emptiness and loneliness, and it was like looking into glass, reflecting back into me. I thought for a second that you would be here with me in just a little while, so I piped up and smiled and laid down in the lonely bed. The longer I sat there in silence, the quicker I realized, no, you won’t be here tonight, you won’t kiss me as you walk through the door, sitting down to take off your boots, and reflect upon your day. My heart broke a little, no, a lot inside, and I questioned if we took for granted the short amount of time we had together. Of course we didn’t. We embraced it, I reminded myself. Time, just never lasts long enough when it comes to things like that, and when it comes to things like this, sitting alone and longing for the person you love, it seems to never move. I’m the anchor to a broken pendulum. I wish you would know that I’m not unhappy, that’s not what this is about. Yes, I’m sad, I miss you already, but I’m also happy because I love you and I know in my heart you love me the same way back and I’ve never had that feeling of ‘knowing’ with anyone else. It’s nice.

I wish I could tell you this as we laugh beside each other, I wish you could watch me laying here, writing this to you, I wish you could feel how much I love you in every way, I wish you could see how much I miss you, and it hasn’t even been a day.

Every fucking scenario I play out about what to say when it comes to how I feel seems so minuscule. Nothing can explain what you do to me, who you are to me. How you affect me. I wake up by the hour to a reality of myself without your presence, and it saddens me. I drift back to sleep and crave you so deeply until I reach my fulfillment; seeing you…even if only within a dream.

I remember you said that you would love me forever if I let you. I think that even if you wouldn’t let me, I would keep on loving you, always. 

The unfortunate part to learning everything the hard way, is never believing anything the easy way.

I never knew what it felt like to miss someone so much, until I woke up looking for him, knowing he couldn’t be here. I never knew I could want someone so bad, until my days of nothing came upon me and my head was filled with something. someone.

I think about you a lot…and then my mind dances in circles around the general day to days, and about everything really…but it all comes back to you. First thought; Last thought.

I put my heart in a box and shipped it away. It’s no longer mine to have alone, but rather to be watched over, handled by someone else. I saw them mark the box ‘fragile’ before I turned to leave; the irony.

I usually press my pen to love and loss alone,
but there’s so much more that’s really going on.
Wars waging over seas,
oceans abrupting someone’s homeland peace.
Earth’s surface trembling,
shaking at the core;
gunshots coming from the home next door.
A girl screams but no one hears,
in an open woods setting with some man that she fears.
Young man sits alone, music blaring into his brain,
it’s used to drown out the violence that has his mother in pain.
On the corner down the street a man lays, head buried in his hands,
praying to his father, his hope hangs from his neck by a strand.
The sound of a trigger staggers in her hand,
anger overrides, the bullet screams when it lands.
Temporary pleasure he seeks, no love found,
skipping women when his true love isn’t around.
Flipped over in flames the vehicle burns to it’s frame,
one survivor left, and she is screaming out their names.
I usually press my pen to love and loss alone
but hopefully we pay attention to whats really going on.

I’m on some-kind of never-ending staircase with my dreams at the top.
The farther I’m climbing, the more they keep hiding —deeper into the dark, farther to the top.
Closer to infinity, as I’m getting weak, but warnings are scolding me;
everyone else’s broken dreams are at my feet. 
They cut into the surface, piercing through my flesh;
Another step higher, each step marked fresh.
Would another lonely traveler ever stumble across this path,
in search of a life they wish they could have?
I ponder this for a moment, I must be going insane…
I start to question if what’s at the end of this tunnel will even amount to the strength I’ve gained.
One more step, 
I’m closer to the top, 
I can see what I’ve been wanting,
I taste the dreams on my tongue.
The cuts and wounds are replaced by scars,
no one else along this path has made it up this far.
My last stride, 
I’ve reached the peak,
touching the last step I crumble to my knees. 
Everything I’ve ever worked for is staring back into my eyes,
"Pick up that frown, you’re prettier when you smile".
My muscles perk up, revealing a grin; 
I fall into him and my new life begins.
I think of the other travelers who’ve journeyed just to fall; 
I think of their lost faces pin-struck with awe.
Meanwhile, I’m just staring at broken clocks on the wall,
time doesn’t change here;
the hands don’t move at all.

I want to let you into this twisted pot stirring up in my head; 

…but then again, I don’t want to at all. 

I’m afraid of what happens after. When the mystery is gone, when there is nothing left to find out, I think you’ll be finished. That I’ll no longer be this mystifying person in your mind. 

Depleted. Emptied. Repetition. 

I would be there today, if you really wanted me to; 
But instead I’ll just wait, and hope, and think of things that remind me of you.
I will keep the path I held before, except I’ll leave a little crack…A ‘little’ open door; 
…for the day that you feel free enough to express yourself, and open up to say, ask anything; Hell; do anything to keep us at bay.
I never find the words either, I don’t say what I think I really should…but these words are an everlasting fucking typhoon…I mean, I’ve said what I could.
Regardless of emotion, I feel this sense, this  belonging, this…difference. For once, I think I feel the real me, and I’m scared, fearful of what ‘I’ might really be.
I just want to take a chance, I’ve never really understood life, but if it has taught me anything, it has been to never question a curious mind.
And a curious mind is one thing, but a longing heart is another…
You should never keep that beating vessel —your lifeline, a thumping wonder.


I keep expecting these feelings to change, expecting you to discourage me from the way I am amorously craving you; nothing changes though, and I want you just as much, just as often, …except there is a change actually…I want it more, I want you more, I want you with me, right here, right now, every fucking day.

Last night I dreamed that I was far away from here. I looked out of my window and as far as I could see, the land and the sky matched in hue; gleaming fantastic blues and sparkles of white, which glistened in the distance, bouncing an array of golden sunshine back into my eyes. To the left of my view, winding trails looked deep into the forest, and among this, the coconut frosted palm trees shaded sweet animals, indulging a morning feed of fresh greens; the brightest I’d ever seen. Little bushes faced the brick trail that was also lit by small flame-less candles, as a guide into it’s wake. Everything was beautiful. Pure, natural beauty -the way it was all intended to be; untouched by the cruel hands of the rest of the world. THIS was paradise. I wanted to stand there, taking in the aesthetics, breathing in the purest of air, the oxygen that filled me with life. I wanted to stand there, wanted to continue feeling the slight breeze moving my long hair back, away from my shoulders. I wanted to, and I could have stood there forever…but I knew there was so much more to this place, so I turned away from the window, and peered around my room. 

The lair set before my eyes was breathtaking & set for a Queen, but I was no royalty. The open windows were draped with red lace, the crimson fabric trimmed by white, which illuminated the rays beaming through and bounced off the darkened oak floors. The plushest and tallest of all bed-sets called me to its’ throne, but I just stood there in awe, entranced by everything. The dreamlike black and white photos, the music whistling through the air, the soft rug like a pillow, under my feet. They all corresponded with the same central theme here; serenity. Across the room, stood a table equipped with the finest of beauty supplies and sweet scents. A tray of breakfast waited for me upon the table; fresh squeezed juices and newly ripened fruit filled the tray with color. I felt my mouth begin to water. Behind the table, a mirror was hanging in the distance; I moved along, and peered into the glass.

Long strands of dark and caramel hair still moved with the air dancing in the room. I saw the slightest smile, as white as the long wind blown dress that flowed around my body. Doe eyes looked back at me, golden and glistening in the sun. Radiant. After a couple of minutes, I returned to the table to grab my juice and a piece of fruit before heading outside. 

How could this be? I did not understand, but I immediately dismissed the thought. The early morning sunlight, although bright and yellow against my skin, did not feel hot, and wasn’t blinding my eyes. Stepping off of the deck, I immediately felt the warmth and softness of the crystallized grain at my soles. The pebbles moved through my toes as I advanced toward the ocean. Reaching the edge, the sand was quickly washed away by small, crashing waves of the cool, clear water. I closed my eyes and listened.

I heard birds, soaring high above me, singing songs about morning bliss. The wind accompanied the tune, humming along with their harmony. I could still here the percussion kicking in, the teeth of animals, crushing nuts and berries for their early feast, and I felt myself, swaying, dancing with the music. A hold came upon me, and suddenly I wasn’t dancing among the shore with only nature and my shadow. I opened my eyes. I wasn’t alone in paradise. A smile, and eyes wide like mine welcomed me when I readjusted to the light. When a kiss met my lips, I realized then, this is no longer a dream, but rather something I had finally achieved…A place with someone who I deserved, and someone who deserved me.  

(Source: hearchelseaout)

I want to feel you, but I can’t even see you.
I want to kiss you, but I can’t even touch you. 
I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in, but I don’t even know what it’s like to have you pressed to my skin.
You’re under mine though; and deeper than I want to admit. 
I swear to God if I say this out loud, I’ll wake up and you won’t even exist.
Am I just a placeholder to fill some sort of void in your heart? These are the things I fear, thinking eventually we’ll drift apart. 
I can’t even think about it, and now I sound fucking crazy, but that’s what the heart does, doesn’t it baby?