this is my heaven at night;

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I’ve been there. I know that feeling. You arise from a dead cold sleep in the middle of the night, stomach wrenching, head spinning, and wondering ‘why’? Your pillow has wet stains on it, and not from anything thrilling; no. It’s damp from the tears that you’ve been trying to control, but your subconscious soul let’s them pour away the pain while the rest of your body is at rest. You get out of bed, pace around the room for a while, thinking of all the shitty things you remember, but they’re out-shined by the great memories and you bury your head in your hands once more, pulling your hair as you scream out in frustration. You want to throw up. Maybe some music will help. Every fucking song reminds you of it. Fuck that, you turn the tunes down. You sit there in silence. You, your thoughts, and the clock ticking on the wall…after a while, maybe a week, maybe months later…the pain stops.

You’ll never forget the feeling, it’s an all-too familiar frienemy. I think the reminder of the heartache is a sad blessing. It closes you off a bit, gives you a guard that seven kingdoms couldn’t break through. In truth, you may never love the same, feel, or be that person you once were again…but dammit, does it make you strong. It helps assist your now wiser mind to choose with more perspective when the time comes again. You’ll now know exactly what you want, and there will be no settling for less than what you now know that you deserve. 

Just hang in there, wrestle your heart around a bit, scream ‘fuck’, cry a ton, kick stones, and let it out. Just keep in mind, there will be a moment when you don’t feel that stabbing pain anymore, when your smiles will stem naturally and your days wont be consumed with cynical thoughts. A certain kind of peace reigns over you, and your heart is reborn. 

It’ll happen, trust me. 

Sometimes we wake up with smeared mascara and alcohol on our breath.
Sometimes we wake up with texts from our grandmother and reach out for a book to read.
Sometimes we wake up with white noise from the tv buzzing in our ears and we’re half or wholly naked.
Sometimes we wake up with drool streaming from our lips and a hunger in our stomach. 
Sometimes we wake up with strange men, and sneak away silently grabbing articles as we escape.
Sometimes we wake up with our pets licking the bottoms of our feet, and we laugh while kicking them away.
Sometimes we wake up in the sun, and run into the ocean to cool off our skin.
Sometimes we wake up with our phones ringing violently and begin to dream again about throwing it across the room, before waking up to it’s call. 
Sometimes we wake up crying from heartbreak and the realization of hardship.
Sometimes we wake up late and spring from the bed like a fire was lit under our ass. 
Sometimes we wake up happy, and dance around our rooms with the light of morning shining through a curtain. 
Sometimes we wake up in the night, and scream at a terror, or squeeze the person next to us, bringing them closer. 
Sometimes we wake up to a lover, and the dance begins again…if you know what I mean. 
Sometimes we wake up with yesterdays’ work scattered all around us, and we put it off for later.
Sometimes we wake up to children jumping in our bed, and tugging at our arms.
Sometimes we wake up to breakfast in bed, and the smiling faces of our family.
Sometimes we wake up anxious for an event, and rehearse words in our head to ease the stress.
Sometimes we wake up in warm pajamas on a cold morning and bundle on the couch with a cup of coffee and morning television, music, or a read.

Sometimes we wake up, and we do so in a variety ways across the board. One day, after all these ‘sometimes’, we will find ourselves waking up in a different sense of the word; unearthed. Envelop the kaleidoscope of every humanistic morning, afternoon, or evening after having rest, and enjoy the simplicity of your very own, unique ‘sometimes’. 

I was google ‘earthing’ NYC and LA all day at work today, and holy fucking shit, why am I not there? 

In hindsight, my foresight was always more clear;

I walked silently in the night, a tune streaming through my ears and my heart thumping it’s archaic rhythm; in sync with the song. The stars engulfed me, pulling me in with an alluring glow of pearls amongst the onyx sea. There was a certain silence, even with the instrumental harmony at full volume, that made me feel like I was at one with the stars at that very moment. The one, the only one. A big sky, millions of lights inspecting me individually, holding me under their millions of microscopes, and peering into my soul. A study. I wonder what they concurred…

Today I woke up and everything was fine. The morning light blazed its’ way through my window pane, and my skin reflected the amber which shined all around the small, all-too crowded room. I got dressed, smiled in the  makeup-stained mirror and walked myself out the door. The warmth of the September morning in Florida whispered that today was a new day, and it would only go as well as I allowed it. There are no boundaries. No walls, and no limits. I’m allowing myself to be free, feel free, and live free. Today, tomorrow, and all eternal nights and mornings like this to follow. 

These moments when I’m sitting alone in my room, wondering what to watch on tv, or what book to read; when I find myself talking to no one, and being accompanied by myself alone. I just want to talk to you and see how your day was, but I know I can’t do that. I want to watch something silly on Netflix and laugh alongside you, but I can’t do that. I want to kick myself for the mean things I’ve said to you, and the complacency I’ve held in my longing for your physical presence. My frustrations have boiled over and turned me into a different person, and I know that. I’ve been a whirlwind of emotions. Coming and going from one extreme to the next. Wanting to live fast and free, but still keeping you on my mind. You just haven’t been here, and it’s been a killer to me, and to us. You’re my best friend, and things shouldn’t have to be this way but they are. You’re leaving, I’m staying here, and nothing in this world can change that fact. I know you want me to come with you, but I can’t do that; just like I want you to come home for good finally…but you can’t that. Star-crossed lovers, never in the right place, and never at the right time. So I’ll sit here in silence, with the lonely glow of a blank computer screen looking back at me, and continue to miss you, continue to question “what’s next”, and watch a silly show on Netflix…just alone this time. 

An unfamiliar silence fills the air, and I’ll drift off to another restless night of sleep. 

I guess I’m a little darker then the light shining around me. One fucked up, walking contradiction of selfishness, stubbornness, and confusion.

Well, that’s me. At least I’m honest with myself.

I wish you could see how much I miss you. I wish you could feel it, the way I do right now. The way my bones ache a certain way and my heart beats slower, and my eyes are red and won’t stop flowing, and my nose keeps sniffing the crimson color glowing. I walked into my room and stared at my bed, at its emptiness and loneliness, and it was like looking into glass, reflecting back into me. I thought for a second that you would be here with me in just a little while, so I piped up and smiled and laid down in the lonely bed. The longer I sat there in silence, the quicker I realized, no, you won’t be here tonight, you won’t kiss me as you walk through the door, sitting down to take off your boots, and reflect upon your day. My heart broke a little, no, a lot inside, and I questioned if we took for granted the short amount of time we had together. Of course we didn’t. We embraced it, I reminded myself. Time, just never lasts long enough when it comes to things like that, and when it comes to things like this, sitting alone and longing for the person you love, it seems to never move. I’m the anchor to a broken pendulum. I wish you would know that I’m not unhappy, that’s not what this is about. Yes, I’m sad, I miss you already, but I’m also happy because I love you and I know in my heart you love me the same way back and I’ve never had that feeling of ‘knowing’ with anyone else. It’s nice.

I wish I could tell you this as we laugh beside each other, I wish you could watch me laying here, writing this to you, I wish you could feel how much I love you in every way, I wish you could see how much I miss you, and it hasn’t even been a day.

Every fucking scenario I play out about what to say when it comes to how I feel seems so minuscule. Nothing can explain what you do to me, who you are to me. How you affect me. I wake up by the hour to a reality of myself without your presence, and it saddens me. I drift back to sleep and crave you so deeply until I reach my fulfillment; seeing you…even if only within a dream.

I remember you said that you would love me forever if I let you. I think that even if you wouldn’t let me, I would keep on loving you, always. 

The unfortunate part to learning everything the hard way, is never believing anything the easy way.

I never knew what it felt like to miss someone so much, until I woke up looking for him, knowing he couldn’t be here. I never knew I could want someone so bad, until my days of nothing came upon me and my head was filled with something. someone.

I think about you a lot…and then my mind dances in circles around the general day to days, and about everything really…but it all comes back to you. First thought; Last thought.